I am going to take a break from my very happy posts to post something a bit serious and something that has been on my mind these past few weeks. So my apologies if this post seems a bit melancholy after my string of positive posts, because to be quite honest, that is how I am feeling now. Melancholy.
In a romantic relationship, sometimes people ask themselves if they feel worthy to be with the person they care about. What deems a person worthy of being with somebody? Do their qualities in terms of looks, personality and all that like determine if they are a “worthy” candidate of someone else’s affections? I have heard often times my girlfriends telling me throughout the years, “He is so not worth it” or “He is really not worthy of you.” During those times, I was almost always sitting on the couch with them, box of kleenex in hand, bawling my eyes out. Now when I really think about it, what really defines a person’s worthiness in a relationship?
These questions are coming from my own personal experiences in my previous relationships that have led me to feel for the longest time that I was not worthy of the person I was with. After being hurt so many times from these relationships and losing bits and pieces of my self-esteem, I felt that I was no longer good enough to be with somebody and had concluded that all males were the same: nice at first, but later turned into ruthless and heartless jerks.
Of course, that conclusion isn’t always true, but from my own painful experiences, I had come to be quite bitter, cynical and really doubtful of the opposite sex and their true intentions when it came to relationships. What was it that lead to my former break ups? Was it because I wasn’t pretty or smart enough? Was it because they finally woke up and saw the light that they could have any other perfectly great girl other than myself? These break ups had led me to believe that I simply was nothing of value and I continued to wallow in self-pity and my silly insecurities.
This all changed very recently.
When I began dating D, I was a very broken person. Many terrible events in my life had turned me into a person that felt so small and fragile on the inside. Since then, D has tried faithfully every single day to teach me how to know my worth and to be fully content with what God’s graced me with and just live life. Unfortunately, time and again, my insecurities have gotten the best of me, and in turn, hurt both myself and D. It was just a constant cycle of negativity and it wasn’t until very recently that I realized my worth and truly made the efforts of waking up and changing things.
Day by day, I learned to appreciate myself and what I do. I learned to not seek the appreciation from others as much, and instead, be content with what I contributed in life and just move forward. I constantly told myself that I am a wonderful person and really do deserve happiness. Even now, while feeling a bit melancholy due to a stupid argument and misunderstanding, I told myself that just because I inadvertently hurt somebody I care about, that does not make me a bad person. It simply makes me human. And yes, I am worthy of all the happiness that graces my life, simply because I realize my own faults and do my best to be a better person every day.
So how does all of this tie into my first question? Well, I think that we define our own “worthiness”. Sure, there may be some mean and negative people out there who constantly bring you down to their level, but at the end of the day, we are responsible for how we feel and how we think of ourselves. I learned the hard way that wallowing in self-pity and entertaining my own insecurities were not going to get me very far in life, so why stay in that mindset? I learned to love myself for who I am rather than changing myself so to please other people in my life. Though I still have some massive insecurities (heck, who doesn’t?), I know better now that I am a pretty darn awesome person, but I do make mistakes and am quite the oddball. But hey, that’s part of what being human is all about. Learning to accept your strengths and weaknesses and realizing that you can’t be perfect, no matter how hard you try. No matter how much make up you put on yourself, no matter how many degrees you have, no matter how many clothes you have in your closet, no matter how many flashy new things you own, they will never amount to how you truly feel on the inside. Your worthiness is determined by how happy and content you are with yourself and how you strive to be a better person every day. So just be happy with what you have and go out and do great things.
With these things in mind, every day I feel like a better person. Even though I do have some bad days, I have learned that I am worthy of all the good things God has graced me with, and all of the things He will continue to grace me with.
I hope all of you readers are having a better day than me. I promise to go back to my happier posts once I am feeling better from a good snuggle with my big bear, Albert.