This post has been a long time coming. It’s one where many, many thoughts have been swirling in my mind and I just felt that I really need to express them. To be honest with myself and with you readers, this post is actually quite a personal one for me and one that I am quite hesitant to post and write. It deals with themes that go beyond the surface of how most people see me, and it really does go quite deep into how I truly am as a person. However, like I said before, this post has been a long time coming and I feel that perhaps it could relate to many others as well.
I am a very complicated person. Actually, scratch that. I am a fairly simple person that makes things very complicated at the most inopportune times. There’s just this tendency in me to take a very simple situation and find some way to complicate things and make it all too dramatic. This trait about me is most likely why I feel that my life since entering high school until now has been one huge and long dramatic movie. As terrible as that metaphor is, I can’t really explain how else I feel about my life as of late. It’s been filled with the usual heart-wrenching scenarios that seem to stretch on forever to the overjoyed moments that brighten up my life at least for a moment.
To say that I am a very melodramatic person would be the understatement of the century. Those closest to me would probably use this adjective to define me quite well. I guess I was just born a naturally passionate and dramatic person. Since entering post secondary, I thought I would be more mature about how I act and treat others, and that being just a month shy of being 20, I hoped that I would be more blasé, calm, cool, collected, and more open-minded of others. Unfortunately, I’ve come to the realization that I have not changed much since my high school days and as much as I had hoped to be more mature about more aspects of my life, I seem to be stuck in the same place as I was pre-graduation. To avoid being redundant, I haven’t changed one bit and it’s disappointed me to say the least.
What I feel disappointed me the most was the fact that I have a hard time really listening to what others were trying to tell me only because I concentrated on one thing: me. It seems that scenarios have always been about me, me, me and never about others. After having some hurtful, but truthful words thrown at me by my significant other, I have painfully realized what I secretly knew all along: I’m a naturally selfish person.
This isn’t to go without saying that I do try my best to be there for others and the fact that I nearly single-handedly organized a school wide clothing drive that raised a significant amount of clothing to be given to the homeless shows that I do have some non-selfish bones in my body. However, as I realized tonight and what’s been accumulating for the past few months is the realization that I expect too much of others and always manage to find a way to make sure I benefit from a situation.
This isn’t healthy at all.
With these expectations comes disappointments, and which I especially put upon my significant others. I guess this is why my other relationships have failed and which is why I’ve been having a hard time with this one. This inborn disposition I have of expecting my significant other to always be there for every single aspect of my life has led to having an unhealthy relationship. That isn’t what I want nor what I was intending for, but that is what happened and is happening. As unselfish as I try to be, I know that deep down, the most selfish parts of me always strike at the most inconvenient times and end up hurting the people I care about the most.
For ages, I have been trying to figure out why I place these unrealistic expectations of people only to be disappointed that they didn’t meet them. As I was reminded tonight, my significant others have been there for me, I just did not truly see it. I continue to ask myself these questions of why I cannot seem to be ‘okay’ without them and not show the qualities of being a ‘clingy’ significant other. It simply is just a hard thing for me to let go of. My past relationships have made me into a very insecure and overly cautious person, scared of losing someone I care about for the fear of being alone.
I realize now that I have lost the independence I worked so hard to achieve. Where is that girl who would be okay without her significant other for a few days? Where is that girl who didn’t need him to be always at her beck and call just so she could feel close to him?
I want her back, but I am having a difficult time getting her back simply because of my silly fears and insecurities. I know that girl is still inside of me, I just have to let go and be trusting of my significant other long enough to find her. Time and time again I have been reassured by D that he loves me and has proven that I can trust him. Yet, I still give him a hard time at the stupidest things. I struggle with letting go of this and like he told me, I need to stop wanting to do things and just go ahead and do them.
I want him to stop feeling guilty of not meeting these stupid and ridiculous expectations, when in fact, he is honest to God one of the best people who I have been blessed with in this life. God initially brought us together, and now, God is putting us through this challenge because He believes we can get through it. I need to be more trusting in D and in God that I am never alone, no matter what my stupid negative thoughts say. This love is one that has taken me through hell and back, but I have gotten through it in one piece. Now I need to start really doing my part of this relationship and focusing on really listening to what D has to say and not being so freaking uptight and disappointed all the time. He truly is the best boyfriend, stubbornness, frustrations and all. I try to remind him time and time again, but I know I have to start reminding myself that he is only human and can only take so much. That he deserves rest and time away from me and that it is perfectly okay and healthy for that to happen.
Realistically, I know this realization won’t magically cure me over night. This is something that needs to stem deep down inside of me until it flourishes beautifully on the outside. Life is a work in progress, and so am I. This epiphany has never been as sobering and hard-hitting as it is now. I just need to start really going through with it. Not for the sake our my and D’s relationship, but because I need it.
Sorry for going all emotional and depressing on you readers. I am really writing this with a heavy mind and a heavy heart. I certainly hope that you are fairing much better than me in all aspects of your life.
Pulling another all nighter due to unnecessary emotional thoughts,